Week 25 | Hellooo Belly

It’s week 25 and I am now officially going to say, “I feel pregnant”.

I have extensive fatigue, achy muscles, and a nagging achy pubic bone – wtf? Of course my hormones are also off the rails, but more on how I really feel below.

I'm aware I’ve had it pretty good up until now, with little to no symptoms. I work out like a horse, harder than I ever did when I was not pregnant, I'm sleeping like a baby, and my cravings have been manageable. Not only that, no headaches, nausea or back pain (yet)!

I know the little one and/or the ‘powers that be’ in the universe has been looking out for me, ensuring this pregnancy has been as healthy and positive as can be. I am feeling stronger than ever. However where I lack in symptoms, I’ve had to compete with major chaos around me, including navigating my professional career, with uncertain job security (I only signed a one year contract last October), and not feeling comfortable asking for maternity leave; the tumultuous fall out I had with my ex-partner aka-my baby’s father; leaving Toronto and moving across country back home to be with my family, and facing cultural and family pressure with a side of heavy stigma for my circumstance. To add to that, baby and I have jet-setted on 10 flights-both for leisure and business, and still counting with four more flights this summer- a physical testament of my strength and motion sickness.

In fact so much of this feels out of body that I forget I am pregnant sometimes. I feel amazing and completely myself, even with the kicks and whirls in my tummy, they feel natural and second nature to me. Yet I find myself in shock with my reflection. Is this me? I have become another person, right. before. my. eyes. And obviously I couldn’t stop this evolution if I tried ( physically in size and mentally too). I wonder if this is why it’s been so hard for my mom. I’m no longer her little girl. In fact I guess am nobody’s girl. I’ve blossomed into a full ass woman, and it intimidates even myself to see her looking back at me in the mirror and in our earthly maternity shoots. I’ve taken no shit and had to persevere through hell to make it this far. Words cannot describe how there have been certain attempts to throw me off, shame me and spiritually attack me and yet here I am, motherfucking here.

Approx. 12 weeks pregnant. My final night in Toronto, prior to moving back home

First maternity pic shot at week 20

I’ve had to break through barriers triggering personal and family trauma. I’ve had to separate from a very toxic relationship, so bad to the point I excused all the dire red flags. This was the hardest part, recognizing there was no more denying or fighting it, and that truly for the past little while I was betraying my own heart.

It’s been such a winding journey, but underneath it all, baby and I have been happy. We are bonded as one, a team. And no matter what emotional throes I have been put through, I never fail to come out of it realizing: 1. I am meant for this, 2. I manifested this after two pregnancy losses in the past year, 3. I am capable of any bad ass thing I set my mind to because I have managed to conquer everything on this journey thus far, and here I am. I am hella proud.

My son, a gift to me from the higher powers is a reminder of my own strength and will. He has shown me that even in my little womb, he is a warrior and willing to stick by me through the greatest fury of burning hells. After my miscarriage last year, I completely know how fleeting and precious pregnancy is. I’ve been protecting him with my whole being. Yet I have put him through tears, fights to the crack of dawn, heartbreak, conquering career moves, environmental changes, and the most challenges I have ever had to face in years, and he is still here with me riding it out. Reminding me with his little kicks that I’m doing the right thing and making the right choices for us. And in a matter of weeks I’ll get to meet my teammate. I am so blessed beyond, and while I shun the outside world for how cruel, judgmental or ignorant it can be, I recognize all at once, how beautiful the little blessings are.

See you in September, my love.*

*My baby boy ended up arriving 3 weeks early, officially making him an August summer baby